Life As I Know It

Life has been hard lately.

It's not that the things that happen are particularly tragic, but it is the reaction that goes on inside my head that makes my life seem extremely painful - most of the time. I am tired of being intense. I am tired of being smart. I am tired of being intuitive. I am tired of being painfully honest. I am tired of being driven. I am, well, just tired of being me.

At times I think all those qualities are good things to have, but at times like this, when my brain is spinning so fast I can't turn it off, can't relax, feel like a rubberband stretched to its limit; I wish to be ignorant. Ignorance is bliss. That is one of the best sayings in the world.

Today one my best friends is turning 52. FIFTY-TWO!!! There is a time when I would have thought, "Oh wow. That person is OLD." But you know, it really isn't that far away from where I am. I'll be 52 soon myself. And when I think about my moods, and how up and down I've been my whole life, I wonder how many months of ease and happiness will I have between now and 52? I'd say I'd be lucky if it 20%. Because I think 20% is about how much of my life has been happy and easy so far.

Yeah, I've tried anti-depressants, I've tried therapy - and you know what? This is me. Up, down, intense. Damn it. Oh wait, I haven't tried meditation. Don't even get my started.

My friend from Jr. High said to me last night "I think that you are only happy for weeks at a time. Not months or years, but weeks. So you'd better enjoy those weeks you have."

Amen sister. Enjoy "those hits" (as my mom says).

Validity

Are you still a mother if you have to take a break from your child? When your parenting becomes ineffective, are you a failure if you stand up and say "I need a break?"

Things to ponder.

The Elevator

Let’s analyze the line Dr. Everything-will-be-all-right in Prince’s song Let’s go Crazy. I mean “Are we going to let the elevator break us down?”. The truth is that there is no Dr. Everything-will-be-all-right. The secret is to some how be all right enough with yourself so that when the elevator goes crazy you can some how find a peaceful center. Think of the end of Parenthood in the final scene when Steve Martin is watching his son’s play and the camera makes it seem as though he is on a roller coaster. His wife, Mary Steenburger, states that she loves the roller coaster. And truly, by watching the movie, you can see that she does.

What is your thought on the elevator of life? (How corny does that sound????)

Wanna Play?

Warning: sex, drugs and foul language - but no rock and roll

Tiny rivulets of energy run down my throat and bounce in my gut. The tremor radiates out from my center and my legs feel weak and my arms feel numb. The back of my throat almost hurts, my head feels light. And this all at a suggestion of someone whispering in my ear. This is me. In my office. May 2005. It’s hysterical.

Damn. I am having a flaming affair with a married man. Well, let me describe flaming. For one, he lives in another country, and two, it all takes place on AOL Instant Messenger. And finally, he is happily married, so it is about as far away from reality as you can get and still have a rope attached.

And I waffle back and forth between thinking that I have now sunk to a new low of being pathetic, as I fall in lust/like/love with rows of words typed in a box, or if I should say “what the fuck… use this guy for all the energy he is worth.” I mean, if I can get totally hot sitting at my desk, by doing nothing but typing what color underwear I have on to some man (married man), I’ll never meet, than WHO CARES?

But let’s examine the men I’ve met since being divorced.

First there is Mr. X – married, but open marriage (whatever the fuck THAT means). And even though open marriage, definitely on the brink of being over. Six months of complete obsession and acting like I was 15. Lovely. Something I’d like to forget. Also, did I mention I work with him?

Mr. G (as in Mr. Government) – dad of one of the kids in the theater group that my daughter attends. Works for some weapons manufacturer who contracts for the government. When he goes to work he goes “inside”. I picture doors and badges and retina scanning…. I am attracted to him for four months. Finally he notices me. We have a few very hot emails. Then we go out. He orders the Pinot wine (as in he said “pee-not”). And if that wasn’t a big enough deal breaker, he then proceeded to tell me all his problems with his ex-wife (she’s crazy, of course), his lack of money, his complete devotion to his kids (ok, this is admirable), and how he is sometimes “goofy”. I don’t even ask him to elaborate. I lost him between the pee-not wine and the whining of no money.

Backgammon – a recently separated man who tells me on our first date that he is a recovering heroin addict. Ok, I can deal with that, having been married to an alcoholic; it might be nice to be with someone who can deal with addiction and his emotions. But no cigar. I just don’t have an emotional and spiritual connection (as described by John Gray). Yeah, he’s a babe and he has a perfect body, but I already married a perfect body. That doesn’t matter. And to top it off, I don’t think he’s interested so the point is moot.

Then there’s Smoker. Ok, he’s single (he smokes three packs a day). But is he available? No. Can’t commit to shit. Very fun and very communicative when he can commit, but that is rare. He keeps saying, “I am not ready to have a relationship.” I keep saying “I don’t want a relationship" (I just want sex, but I didn’t volunteer that). But, hey “I don’t want a relationship.” OK, I get it!!!

So, here I am, looking at my screen. I mean, this man can pick up via typed words the areas I am hesitant to talk about. I have no idea what he looks like. He sends me songs about vodka in strange languages and then translates the words. Wants to know what I am wearing. But at the same time he’s made it very clear that chatting with me is like looking at playboy. All fantasy.

So, I’m going with it. Wanna play? I’ll play.

Lost In My Head

Becoming lost in my head is not hard for me to do. For instance, yesterday it was March 15th and today is it April 2nd. What's up with that?