Life As I Know It

Life has been hard lately.

It's not that the things that happen are particularly tragic, but it is the reaction that goes on inside my head that makes my life seem extremely painful - most of the time. I am tired of being intense. I am tired of being smart. I am tired of being intuitive. I am tired of being painfully honest. I am tired of being driven. I am, well, just tired of being me.

At times I think all those qualities are good things to have, but at times like this, when my brain is spinning so fast I can't turn it off, can't relax, feel like a rubberband stretched to its limit; I wish to be ignorant. Ignorance is bliss. That is one of the best sayings in the world.

Today one my best friends is turning 52. FIFTY-TWO!!! There is a time when I would have thought, "Oh wow. That person is OLD." But you know, it really isn't that far away from where I am. I'll be 52 soon myself. And when I think about my moods, and how up and down I've been my whole life, I wonder how many months of ease and happiness will I have between now and 52? I'd say I'd be lucky if it 20%. Because I think 20% is about how much of my life has been happy and easy so far.

Yeah, I've tried anti-depressants, I've tried therapy - and you know what? This is me. Up, down, intense. Damn it. Oh wait, I haven't tried meditation. Don't even get my started.

My friend from Jr. High said to me last night "I think that you are only happy for weeks at a time. Not months or years, but weeks. So you'd better enjoy those weeks you have."

Amen sister. Enjoy "those hits" (as my mom says).